Tolerating Upper Middle Class Northern Transplants for Dummies
 

Avoid Long Prison Sentences for Assault and Battery of a High and Aggravated Nature

Tolerating  Upper Middle Class Northern Transplants

With real life examples of culture clashes

About This Book This book is specifically written to help Southerners adopt non-violent strategies to counter violent impulses engendered by Northern insensitivity to cultural differences between the North and the South. Foolish Assumptions The author of this book assumes that you are stupid, or otherwise you would have figured out what follows for yourself. Check out the title, lame brain. Why You Need This Book Constantly hearing from virtual strangers how benighted you are can impel you to commit acts of violence. Committing acts of violence can lead to your getting arrested and serving time in prison and/or getting sued by the so-called victim. While you’re in prison being sodomized, your so-called victim is free to go on ad nauseum about how nobody knows how to drive down here. This book explains why Northerners think so poorly of Southerners and offers some valuable strategies to counter Northern verbal aggression with non-violent arguments rather than whupping their obnoxious self-righteous asses. Let’s Get Going Okay, numbskull, let’s get started. Chapter 1 - Why Northerners See Us as Inferior Many Northerners only know Southerners from mass media. For instance, let’s take a look at an example from iconic sitcoms from the 20th Century that depict life in the North vis-a-vis life in the South.  The Typical Northern Family  The Typical Southern Family Which of the following television families would you rather live next to? The Cleavers?  Or Fred and Doris Ziffel?  (In addition, though this goes some years back, there is that little matter of trafficking in human beings and the Jim Crow laws). Okay, let’s look at a scenario where you encounter some New Yorkers who start yakking about how they can’t believe that just 45 years ago that Southerners designated separate water fountains for whites and blacks. Let’s face it; not only are you no rocket scientist, you’re probably not even bright enough to work as a janitor in a jet propulsion laboratory, so chances are you might counter the water fountain complaint with something like, “Oh, come on, dude, let bygones be bygones.” Even though forgiving innocent offspring for the sins of the parents may seem like a reasonable idea, you shouldn’t say “let bygones be bygones.” Why? Well, duh, South Carolina still flies the Confederate flag on its State House Grounds. What you say instead of “let bygones be bygones” is “Hey, since you’re from up North, maybe you give me some advice. We’re planning our vacation and are torn between the South Bronx and South Boston. Any suggestions?” That should shut them up. Okay, now that you know why Northerners are prejudiced against us, let’s look at differences in Northern and Southern culture so we can better understand why Northerners don’t consider cataloging all of the deficiencies of your hometown bad manners. Chapter 2 - Causes of Differences in Northern and Southern Cultures I don’t want to overload your low wattage circuitry by expounding on how the economic basis of a culture determines many of the folkways of its people or how the fast-paced cutthroat industrial competition of the Northeast contributed to clipped vowel pronunciation, cold-hearted contempt of merging traffic, and a propensity not to allow a nano second to pass before the light’s turning green triggers the laying on the horn, or, conversely, how the South’s agrarian economy and sweltering summer temperatures fostered a more laid back approach to life, the drawing out of vowels, the slowing down under the minimum speed limit on the Interstate to allow a tractor to merge into traffic, or the adopting of a leisurely pace when moseying on our way. It’s not so important that you understand the causes of the differences but rather how misunderstanding the differences might lead to anger, then violence, then incarceration in some po-dunk county jail. Even you can probably identify which of the following 1890’s photos depicts Charleston, South Carolina, and which depicts New York City.   So let me restate what I said above in simple language that even dummies like you can understand so that when a Northerner starts spouting blatantly rude aspersions - oops - insults, you can turn the other cheek rather than taking a bush ax to him. Translation of the Chapter 2: Northerners tend to be competitive and in hurry. Outside of college football, Southerners tend not to be as competitive nor in such a hurry. Chapter 3 - How Differences in Competitiveness Lead to Different Behaviors In the fast-paced cutthroat world of industrial capitalism, quaint old concepts like honor and courtliness lead to substandard living conditions. You know your competitor across the twelve-lane highway is going to charge the naive, cash-strapped recent widow considerably more for her car than he is the Izod-clad CEO for his, so if you want to make it in the rat race, you gotta bilk the widow as well. Living in such stressful conditions causes a certain callousness. Encountering daily the skeletal remains of motorists in their fossilized cars who starved to death waiting for some kind soul to allow them to enter traffic tends to harden the heart. Because the major credo of the north is “time is money,” Northerners are eager to get to the point so they typically dispense with the niceties that Southerners find essential in maintaing harmonious relationships with their neighbors. Cultural Clash Scenario 1 : Northern Greetings or the Lack Thereof For example, let’s say a Transplanted Northern executive who collects vintage Volkswagens drives by your house and sees a rusted 1978 minibus on concrete blocks in your driveway. He very well might pull right in, march up to your front door, and ring the bell right during the middle of your supper. When you open the door, you find standing before you a perfect stranger who says, “Hey, pal, how much you want for that piece of shit sitting in your driveway?” Rather than being insulted and reaching for your shotgun, you should realize that this is how business is conducted in the North, and rather than responding with something like “Why I never,” you should adapt yourself to the Northern way of doing business and say, “It ain’t for sale, fat ass,” and then slam the door in his face. Of course, here’s how the above scenario would take place among two Southerners. “Hello, Sir. I’m sorry to bother you. I hope you’re not eating supper. Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I’ll come back when it’s more convenient. You sure? Well, it was about that VW bus there in your driveway. I declare, you don’t say? You’ve owned it all this time? Do Lawd. Well, then, I know there’s no way you gonna wanna sell that precious heirloom, so I best be on my way. You say you’re just finishing up? No sir, I don’t want to intrude. Pecan Pie? Well, sir, I’ve never turned down a piece of pecan pie in all of my natural days so I best not commence now at my advanced age. [Four hours later] “Well, so long, Willy. Tell your cousin Trinny hey for me.” Northern Impatience with Substandard Southern Infrastructure Although you would think that Northerners moving from, say, Connecticut (2007 per capital income: $54,117) to Mississippi (2007 per capita income: $26,535) might not be all that surprised to find that the roads in Mississippi are not as well-maintained as they are in their home state or that schools in Jackson fall short in providing the public education you can get at Baswick High in Bridgeport. Nevertheless, it seems that Northerners are completely incapable of not pointing out to you how, except for its third-world- like warm weather, the South is as backward a hinterland as exists anywhere in the Industrial World. Even you have enough sense to guess which of the schools below is located in Connecticut and which is located in Mississippi.   Cultural Clash Scenario 2 : Northern Mocking of Southern Education Joe Obnoxini and his trophy wife Maria Teresa have moved down from Bridgeport and purchased and remodeled a venerable Victorian jewel in Old Oxford. Although Joe occasionally lauds the weather and often brags about his shrewdness in man-handling his incompetent contractor, more often than not you’ll hear him openly mocking Lafayette County’s potholes and public schools. Given your low intelligence, you might be tempted to say something witty like, “If Bridgeport is so fucking great, Joe, why don’t you move your ass on back there?” This response would be playing into his hands, because Joe doesn’t think he’s being rude; berating others is a time-honored Northern tradition that has its roots in the tooth-and-claw struggles of capitalism in the tradition of social darwinism. When a man is down, don’t lend a hand but make sure he knows who’s above him. Your intimidation might cow him. A better strategy is to do a little jujutsu on him. “Say, you know, Joe. Mississippi schools rank right there on the bottom. But you know what, Bo, they produced William Faulkner, Eudora Welty, and Richard Ford. “How bout you naming three famous Connecticut born writers.” I promise you, he won’t have an answer. Friendly Northern Bantering Outside of the occasional friend’s Northern cousin, I never really encountered many Northerners until I shipped off to my state college alma mater. The number of Northerners who had matriculated there surprised me. In fact, in my dorm, all of my suite mates hailed from New Jersey. At first it was shocking to see some fellow from Newark smiling broadly, extending his hand, and exclaiming, “Hey, Tony, you ol’ cock sucker, how ya doing?” and then witnessing Tony enclose his assailer in a bear hug and responding, “Hey, you mother fucker, it’s been a long time.” No, these fellows weren’t accusing each other of homosexuality or incest. You see, vulgarities that Southerners consider grave insults Northerners use as terms of endearment. It’s no surprise, then, that Southerners often mistake the friendly overtures of Northerners as insults. Cultural Clash Scenario 3 : A Northerner Hints that He’d Like an Invitation to Your House Recently transplanted Northerner: Hey, asshole, where do you live on Folly? Southerner: Oh, back in the back tucked away in the woods. Northerner: Well, one of these days I’m gonna ride my bike back there and piss on your lawn. Southerner: I don’t have a lawn. Northerner: [exasperated] Well, then I’ll piss on your car. The Northerner, rather than expressing contempt, is reaching out and asking you to invite him to your beach house. In this case, it’s better to play ignorant and say nothing. Even if he was being literal, having him piss on your car is preferable to spending an hour or so listening to why his old school was heads and shoulders above the one where you now both teach. Chapter 4 - Summary In the unlikely case you’ve made it this far in your reading, let me briefly summarize the main points in the even more unlikely event that their repetition will help you remember them. The different economies of the North and South have resulted in different manners of behaviors. Northerners talk and drive fast, don’t let you into traffic, forego pleasantries, enjoy pointing out their superiority, and address even friends with vulgarities, Southerners drawl, take their time, and engage in insincere pleasantries (e.g., calling strangers “sir” instead of “hey you”). 4. These differences can lead to misunderstandings, and since it is increasingly impossible to avoid Northerners in the South, you might as well know where they’re coming from. Epilogue If you found this book helpful, you might want to check out these titles from the For Dummies catalogue: Organ Donation for Dummies Checking into and out of Motels for Dummies Fifty-Two-Card Pick-Up for Dummies ragwatercat@gmail.com